Okay you guys, I am like legit hyperventilating with enthusiasm right now. I’ve wanted to post this pretty much since the day I was born. I introduce to you, probably one of the greatest people alive (don’t let that go to your head), ERIC GRUNDEN. Insert round of applause.
So for the unfortunate number of you who have never had the immense pleasure of meeting Mr. Grunden, I’d like to intro a bit about him. First: he’s an oober Harry Potter nerd. This is fitting because, as my friend Bryn discovered, he and the famous wizard look very much alike… in cookie form.
He’s also totally into Jeopardy, and Phineas and Ferb, and he pretty much knows everything about everything. I’m almost positive he has the ability to read minds. Or possibly he might be Einstein reincarnated. Or both. Could Einstein read minds?
Anyway, the most important fact about the remarkable Mr. G is this: his multitude of quotable quotes.
Note: I messaged Mr. Grunden asking if posting these magnificent beauties would be alright with him, and yes, it is, HOWEVER, he reserves complete and total rights to deny anything posted here. I’m spacey, so I very likely could have possibly picked and chose words he said in a stream of sentences and fused them together for entertainment.
So I kept these in my notebook all year (seriously, I have 3 pages entirely taken up plus margin space), and when I started studying for my final, I ended up just reading all of the quotations scrawled in there and cracking up. So for your viewing pleasure: Mr. Grunden Quotable Quotes.
· First day of school: Games. I hate games.
· I have mice living in both my cars.
· Me: Mr. G, what were you like as a child?
Mr. G: This. But smaller.
Me: That’s very frightening.
· Kill all the rules and eat them!
· Mr. G: Acids conduct electricity.
Alexandra: So can your puke conduct electricity…?
Mr. G: I’ve never tried it.
Me: Can we do a lab?
Mr. G: Oh sure! Write your procedure, first step: gestures finger going into throat. That’d be the last lab I’d ever do.
· We’re going to be running an observation of gases. Just like we would go to a jungle to watch chimpanzees. Except there’s a lot less delousing I’ll tell you that.
· There’s really no danger in anything bad happening tomorrow- well except fires. And minor explosions. But you’d have to work pretty hard to make that happen.
· And he’s killed because people think he’s Jesus…. But he’s not.
· How many Cheez-Its are you?
· To be honest, my math teacher was an alcoholic, so I had to teach myself math most people don’t believe in.
· Mr. G: Stoichiometry is like weighing baby elephants.
Me: Um… what?
Mr. G: You have to weigh the baby elephant and the mama elephant then take the baby off and subtract the difference. Baby elephants are hard to weigh, or so I’ve been told.
· Are you polar? Let me ask you this question: when you take a shower do you dissolve? No, that would be a problem. Someone tries it once and we learn from his or her mistake.
· All rock songs are about one of three things.
One: Substance abuse
Two: Impressing girls…. Or guys. Depending on who you are. Or both… Also depending on who you are.
Three: Being a B.A.
· We’re about to electrocute a pickle. Don’t try this at home. It can kill you.
· Yes Alexandra, you can make poop a mirror.
· Well I’m not really talking about soap, but we’ll be talking about soap. So let’s talk about soap, but not really talk about soap at all.
· If you have a knife does that make you a chef? No. But it might make you a ninja.
· Zombies gathering around, pulling people out of a crowd and eating them. It’s kinda like that.
· If you try to do that to your calculator it’ll curl up into the fetal position and cry. Except it can’t do that…
· Thinking is what causes all the problems. So stop it.
· The spectrum of bonding is similar to a spectrum of relationships between 2 people. At one end are people that are tolerant of each other. In the middle is a spread of degree of contentment. And at the other is a paired off couple.
· So… don’t take a bath with a toaster.
· Me: Now I really want some rotini.
Mr. G: That’s your 3rd alcohol reference today… do we need to talk?
Me: Rotini’s a pasta.
Mr. G: Oh. I thought you said martini.
· No, that’s ninjas with flamethrowers. That’s my theory on spontaneous combustion.
· I have mice living in both my cars.
· Me: Mr. G, what were you like as a child?
Mr. G: This. But smaller.
Me: That’s very frightening.
· Kill all the rules and eat them!
· Mr. G: Acids conduct electricity.
Alexandra: So can your puke conduct electricity…?
Mr. G: I’ve never tried it.
Me: Can we do a lab?
Mr. G: Oh sure! Write your procedure, first step: gestures finger going into throat. That’d be the last lab I’d ever do.
· We’re going to be running an observation of gases. Just like we would go to a jungle to watch chimpanzees. Except there’s a lot less delousing I’ll tell you that.
· There’s really no danger in anything bad happening tomorrow- well except fires. And minor explosions. But you’d have to work pretty hard to make that happen.
· And he’s killed because people think he’s Jesus…. But he’s not.
· How many Cheez-Its are you?
· To be honest, my math teacher was an alcoholic, so I had to teach myself math most people don’t believe in.
· Mr. G: Stoichiometry is like weighing baby elephants.
Me: Um… what?
Mr. G: You have to weigh the baby elephant and the mama elephant then take the baby off and subtract the difference. Baby elephants are hard to weigh, or so I’ve been told.
· Are you polar? Let me ask you this question: when you take a shower do you dissolve? No, that would be a problem. Someone tries it once and we learn from his or her mistake.
· All rock songs are about one of three things.
One: Substance abuse
Two: Impressing girls…. Or guys. Depending on who you are. Or both… Also depending on who you are.
Three: Being a B.A.
· We’re about to electrocute a pickle. Don’t try this at home. It can kill you.
· Yes Alexandra, you can make poop a mirror.
· Well I’m not really talking about soap, but we’ll be talking about soap. So let’s talk about soap, but not really talk about soap at all.
· If you have a knife does that make you a chef? No. But it might make you a ninja.
· Zombies gathering around, pulling people out of a crowd and eating them. It’s kinda like that.
· If you try to do that to your calculator it’ll curl up into the fetal position and cry. Except it can’t do that…
· Thinking is what causes all the problems. So stop it.
· The spectrum of bonding is similar to a spectrum of relationships between 2 people. At one end are people that are tolerant of each other. In the middle is a spread of degree of contentment. And at the other is a paired off couple.
· So… don’t take a bath with a toaster.
· Me: Now I really want some rotini.
Mr. G: That’s your 3rd alcohol reference today… do we need to talk?
Me: Rotini’s a pasta.
Mr. G: Oh. I thought you said martini.
· No, that’s ninjas with flamethrowers. That’s my theory on spontaneous combustion.
And fourth period chemistry lived happily ever after. I learned so much this year in Eric Grunden's class.
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