Resident professors at John Hopkins have recently been studying a rare gladly wedded male. Frank Jones, 38, was discovered this previous April grocery shopping on his way home from work. Head of the University’s most recent undertaking, Doctor Bradley Collins, spotted the creature browsing through laundry detergent while Collins himself was grabbing a 6-pack for that night’s game.
So as not to startle the individual, Collins slowly approached, describing the encounter with reporters, “I asked [Frank Jones] what he was doing, and he claimed that he was buying detergent to go home and wash his wife’s clothes.” Collins, shocked at the extraordinary discovery, wasted no time calling his associates who urged Collins to keep the specimen in captivity for further studies.
Persuading Jones with promises of a discount for bed linens at Bed Bath and Beyond, Collins brought Jones to his car (a vintage refurbished Mustang that required many weekends to restore at the expense of time with his now former wife) parked next to Jones’s Odyssey “great for taking the kids to soccer and bringing home multiple bags of groceries.”
Tests are being performed on the specimen, which could be the only of its kind. Lab technicians are attempting to satisfy the creature with a habitat similar to his own home. Student Carla Simmons studied Jones in an unobtrusive manner, sitting with him on a couch in his containment room as he folded laundry. Asking what he would like to watch on the habitat’s flat screen TV, Jones insisted, “Whatever would make her happy,” and gladly relinquished the remote.
Edit: its The Johns Hopkins University, or I guess for short Johns Hopkins, not John Hopkins.
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